Resistance is futile?

One of the shocks of getting to know A., the new man in my life, has been to discover that he doesn't recycle. Actually, he doesn't believe in that stuff - thinks it's all a scam. Here is Homo Endlessus in all his glory: I watched as he lets the water faucet run between jobs, takes extravagantly long showers, let the car idling when he stands by chatting, throw out good food in the garbage, etc, etc.

Ah, love. There were some tense moments for sure. What did I do? Not much. Just insisted that at my house, there is recycling. He said "You'll have to do it because I don't know how." Fine. I did it. No big deal. I also gently turn the car keys when he leaves it idling and stop the water when it's running for nothing. I bought reusable cloth bags for the groceries for his car (he forgets to use them most of the time but manages to remember sometimes). I let him have his long showers because I know they help him stay calm in this world full of rules so foreign to his soul. Can't win them all.

A year later, I wouldn't say that the man has been transformed into a green environmentalist. I am choosing to be patient and consistent. I try hard not to nag - I fail once in a while. But he now washes plastic containers and cans before they go to the recycling bin. At my home that is.

It's a small step in a long journey.

I've been a vegetarian for twenty years (since I was nineteen years old), and interested in living more sustainably for most of that time as well. My meat-eating family, with whom I was still living when I turned vegetarian, took it very well (as long as I prepared my own meals, i.e. didn't make extra work for my mother, who did most of the cooking for the family).

When I moved back to my parents' home at the age of 32 after several years away, I gently tried to introduce other eco-friendly behaviors, especially my experience with eco-friendly home cleaners. My mother, who is chemically sensitive (as am I) was very open to these alternative cleansers, and now uses them happily herself.

My father was much more difficult to deal with; despite the fact that he knew both my mother and I would get serious migraines from VOCs, he would use solvents in the house without thought, and was not interested in hearing about alternatives to pesticides for his lawn.

I've always tried to show others by my own example how easy it can be to live "green"... if people aren't open to it, I don't preach or push. In the case of my father's resistance to finding alternatives for his solvents, I found being non-confrontational worked best. If I complained and got upset or angry about the vapours, it had no effect on him. If I politely asked him to use these things at a time when it would have the least effect on my on well-being (i.e. when I was out of the house for several hours), he was often more ready to listen to me.

Hi my name is Nancy and i face adversity from my family by using 3 simple words. "momma knows best". My family understands that they are no.1 in my life and ilove them beyond the moon. They understand that mom is here to protect and nurture them. I usually will get a groan or two but they go along with what i am doing at the time.

Since being diagnosed with Multiple Chemicle Sensitivities, my family has been very supportive in regards to fragranced personal care products, hair sprays and gel's, and laundry products. I guess they just don't want to see mom crash like she did a few months ago.

One problem I have been having is in our dietary changes. Most of the family is on board with me in regards to eating an organic, whole foods diet and I try to be sensitive to the fact that I need to be more dilagent than they need to be, so I try not to begrudge them things that I can't eat, even though it's hard to see them eating things I know are just downright nasty for their bodies.

The only member of the family who is having problems adjusting is my 16 year old son. While I try to accomodate him as best I can, he just can't seem to adjust. And I don't want to have the kinds of things in the house that he seems to be craving, because it would make it difficult for the rest of the family.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hello Debra and everyone. I wanted to answer some of the questions about resistance to using safe products and having a safe environment in general.

I am very lucky in a way. My immediate family members were so concerned about my physical reactions to environmental toxins (coughing, choking, migraine headache ect.), that they lept at the chance to "purge" our home of anything that could possibly be making me sick. I was coughing and choking all the time, day and night. When I began to improve as our home became safer their diligence continued in rooting out what could be making "mom" sick. And everyone in the family feels better too without those toxins in their environment.

I am unlucky in another way in that I had (and still sometimes have I am ashamed to admit), the hardest time with my own resistance! I simply could not believe a little bleach in the white wash would make me sick for the rest of the day. Or that a little ammonia window cleaner could do the same thing. Or that I couldn't polish my silver or copper while wearing a respirator and "get away" with it. Or that I cannot go to a beauty salon or get my nails done. Or that I can't go into grocery stores without getting a "hit". Same with department stores and drug stores that carry scented candles or perfumes. It's really really hard to believe just a little toxin can do so much damage. My immediate family members believe it. No convinving was necessary at all. My symptoms tell everything. I can't get away with anything.

Friends and extended family members have been more challenging. They don't see me on a daily basis and I actually had one person sit me down and tell me I needed to stop trying to be the center of attention! (I tell you now, if I wanted attention, there are hundreds of things I could think to do instead of this! Maybe even a thousand things.) Also, sometimes people forget to refrain from wearing scented products before coming over to visit but they never forget twice! I don't always know why I start to cough but when I do, the confessions come out: "Oh, I forgot and put on perfume this morning! Or, "Oh no, I just got my hair permed!" We're all on a steep learning curve I think. It's a work in progress.

The worst thing is that I have found no work environment yet that is safe for me. Office cleaning supplies, clients wearing scented products, xerox machines ect., etc. can be my undoing and I'm right back to being sick all over again. My employers just didn't get it. Or, (heaven forbid), just didn't care. And I had been working as a nurse for 27 years before work exposures made me sick. I am still grieving about that. But I digress. Please keep spreading the good word on a non-toxic world!

Hi!

I am the de facto home keeper, so it has always been easy for me to have my way regarding green ways about our home.

I started with young children who were able to enjoy the process of cleaning the toilet with baking soda and vinegar. It is a simple chore made fun by all of the fizzy reactions, and it naturally fell to the youngest/shortest member of the household (pets excluded).

Having rabbits as pets was a natural way for me to have natural rose fertilizer and compost accelerator, and engage the children in composting and pet feeding chores, too! The worm box has it's own attractions for children, too.

So, I guess I have suggestions rather than anecdotes about familial resistance. These days, as 7th and 9th graders, they just think I'm silly about these various habits. They still have to be reminded about rabbit treats, worm treats, compost and taking the recycling out, like all people their ages. My hope is that, in the future, they'll recall these natural ways of keeping a family, a garden and a home.
Good luck to you! Karen

I began making changes two years ago. I started by buying "green" laundry soap. My daughter who was 14 at the time had an absolute fit, told my family I'd "flaked out". I kept buying less toxic products or using baking soda and or vinegar for cleaning. My family kept saying I was off my rocker.

Then I started buying organic foods and cut out 90% of refined sugar in my house. Nobody would eat the baked goods because of the whole wheat and natural sugar I used. It wasn't sweet enough. The rest of the foods they considered a waste because they cost so much more.

I kept hitting walls with all of them. I quit trying to convert them but did keep using better things in my home and using organic foods and natural sweeteners. They eventually got use to it and will even call for help with a cleaning problem because all the chemicals they've used haven't worked, or for a recipe that I've made for them. They've seen how it's all helped my asthma and helped keep my diabetes under control and are slowly coming around.

My Sister-in-Law recently was diagnose with asthma and has FINALLY gotten rid of at least 80% of the toxic cleaning chemicals that were in the house. They all feel better.

Slow but sure they are getting it but it wasn't until I quit arguing that they came around. By the way, my daughter to this day will not eat anything that has the word "organic or natural" on it nor does she accept "green" soaps and such. If she doesn't know, it's all good. I do have her trained to recycle tho.

Sigh.... maybe there is hope.

Dear Debra,

REsistence from my extended family and community is perhaps the most painful aspect of my life as a the mother of a child with MCS. The comment I hear the most is: "He is going to have to change; the world will not change for him." I think the hidden messae behind this philosophy is: "You are going to have to change. MCS doesn't exist." When was the last time someone tld a peanut sensitive kid to eat peanuts and get over it?"

How to deal with resistance to green living? Based in my experience, there are some concepts very critical to your success. These are, A GRADIENT APROACH, patience, persistence, compromise, and RESPECT.

Here is what I did.

1 Education: I took the subject and very subtly brought up my concerns, I heard the opinions and disagreements of the others. I did not want them to feel I was craming my ideas down their throat, aftrer all this is persuasion and not coercion.

When they brought up objections I listened carefully and did NOT argue. But did not necesarily agree either, I simply listened and acknowledged them, soon I could see that the most prminent objection was coneinience. There was a bit of skepticism and the last in the least was fear of being made fun of by peers (kids)

I then understood the general view point better and took up the theme that was more likely to bring about agreement. I saw they cared for the future and their offspring -interdependence and Global warming. This was the first point I brought up in the form of actual education, not just some concern. Always bringing up a point and getting their ideas and again objections. NEVER make any of them feel wrong for not agreeing with you, first, they have a right to their own views and second, it is a lot easier for them to change their mind if they don't feel they have to defend their views.

Little by little, with a lot of patience and persistence, we finally agreed to recycling, that was the first step, everyone in the household agreed and participates, then we went into the next easiest. All the while I was compromising on all other points. This is because I have been a very green person for a long time, but married into a totally not green family. Some things I did not compromise on though, such as the personal care items I used. but I tolerated the use of other stuff by the rest of the household. I also did not compromise on anything that was irritating to the point of physical reactions, such as harsh fraguances.

Today, we recycle, eat organic food, use home made celaners for the most part, use cotton and breadable fabrics, for the most part, use energy saving appliences, grow a small garden, and live greener than we ever did before. This is a slow approach, but the changes are heratfelt, this way, it is fun to plant trees, to research as a family on the issues of most interest in the wide array of green living, and little by little the family becomes healthier and more open to change and alternative solutions.

My goal is to be fully green eventually, including solar power, green house, etc etc, 100 % green. Not there yet, but every step we getcloser and closer.

We are not a totally green family, yet. But with the head way we have made in under 2 years, we are greener than anyone in our neighbourhood and we are very proud of that.

I had developed chemical sensitivities a couple of years ago. Of course at the time I had no idea why I was getting migraine headaches, and horrible coughing spells. A friend recommended I change my cleaning products. I was very skeptical at first but was willing to try anything as the four prescriptions were not working. To my amazement my headaches and coughing became less and less severe until they finally disappeared. Not only was my health improving but I was also able to wean myself off of the drugs my doctor had given me for my conditions. My personal testimony has been enough for my husband but other family members and friends are not so convinced.

I run a small cleaning business and use only safe cleaning products at my customers' homes. They understand that I use them and probably need to because I am subject to the chemicals on a more regular basis than they. Almost all of them feel there is no danger for them as they are "okay". Unfortunately they do not realize how many chemicals they are consuming daily, with their bodies slowly becoming overloaded. I still get headaches in some of the homes because of the many personal care items and laundry products they use and hope to be moving my business in other directions.

After many years of suffering from MCS and experiencing many resentments from friends and family (including being told it was all in my head) I've found some workable solutions to gaining support and understanding. The improvements to my health have been enormous and I've very much recovered. It took a few years to take actions step by step to "clean up" my environment but I now enjoy a very healthy, active lifestyle with support from my loved ones.

1. The first step was education. (a) I showed them credible sources discusing MCS and how to resolve it from doctors and experts. When they wouldn't believe me they just couldn't deny a distinguished expert. (b) I showed my children injured animals with plastics around their noses or beaks and plastics in their belly. All children love animals and would never intentionally do anything to hurt them. My children would never throw trash on the ground or a six-pack plastic holder in the trash. They break them up with their own hands before putting them in the trash to make sure no animal ever gets that stuck on their body. (c) Both of my children's fathers grew up on family farms. They tell the children stories which help them understand why it is important to protect the earth. My father told us the story about how every spring the sparrows sang so loud it woke them up every morning and they knew it was now spring. He said that one year the municipal trucks came through spraying something called "DDT" on everything to get rid of the bugs. He said that was the first year the birds didn't sing. He said the silence was deafening and so sad. The beautiful sparrows and their songs had all died. They were never heard from again. Stories like these made it real to my family not to make the same mistakes with the earth. (d) We read from the 50 Simple Things Kids Can Do to Save the Earth by The EarthWorks Group book which helps the whole family understand the why and the how to protect the earth.

2. I have a sign on our door that says "Perfume-free household. Please do NOT enter wearing scented products of any kind." It has a nice emblem on it so it doesn't look too institutional. If a worker, friend or neighbor comes they leave and come back "unscented".

3. I got rid of all the toxic products over the years one by one and replaced them all with natural products. We clean our house with such things as vinegar and water. It's great because even my youngest children can help with the housework without any concern about the cleaners we use. They love helping. We keep the house very clean which is very healthful for everyone. We even take our shoes off at the door which I've read can have lead on them from street dust. I don't want lead in my house poisoning my children! An added bonus is that the house just stays so much cleaner if shoes aren't worn in it.

4. Food is a big issue in our house with my always hungry teenage son. He resents all the organic, natural and healthy foods. My deal with him is I buy the food and he can eat it or not eat it, his choice. If he wants junk food he can buy it with his own money but keep it in his room. This rarely happens as he'd rather spend his money on funner things than food. Though it took a few years and there is still the occasional resentment all of my children eat fruits & veggies. I keep a bowl of organic fruits on the table at all times so they can help themselves. It looks beautiful and delicious to eat. I can't keep it full as they eat so much of it. I make salads, veggies with dip (no kid can resist dipping anything) and mix veggies in things like pasta dishes. They eat them and have come to enjoy them.

5. The house is set up as a "Home Safe Home." Our house is outfitted with all the shower filters, air filters, and water filters, etcetera. There are no toxic products in the interior or exterior of our home. Anything my husband needs to maintain the house that is a potentially toxic is stored in our locked garage. We use natural pesticides and garden care items only. It's an incredible sense of security to know that ourselves and our children are in a "safe" home. Our pool is still a chlorine pool though and that's our next big project as far as converting it to a nonchlorinated pool. That will be our next big investment in our home and our family's health.

6. The final thing I would have to say that is very important in our family life is setting a good example. We set the example for our kids to recycle, eat healthy, enjoy the outdoors and protect the earth. Children copy their parents and setting a good example is probably the most important thing any parent could do.

I wanted to comment on the entry posted by Anne Alison regarding family resistance to MCS in her child.

I agree with you Anne that there is nothing more painful than meeting resistance and dismissal when advocating for your child's health especially from family members if not the entire community.

Perhaps my suggestions might help. I have worked as a school nurse for 17 years before becoming ill a little over a year ago. Whenever a student was brought to me with health issues the first thing I did was to teach him/her to how to advocate for themselves by role playing different scenarios. This was effective in children as young as 4 and as old as 21 years of age. As parents, we can't be with them all day every day to protect them so it helps for them to advocate and speak gently for themselves. Children can be wonderfully gifted teachers. Many times, it seems to me, even the most stubborn adults respect a child who gently and matter-of-factly speaks his own truth directly to them. For example: "I don't know why I get sick around cleaners grandpa, but it sure is incovenient. I'd much rather not have these things bother me at all. It makes me feel like I have the flu and I can't play with my friends or go to school."

Or when explaining their truth to another child, "It's kind of like allergies to chemicals and the more there are in the room, the sicker I get. I just have to stay away from them like some people have to stay away from bees. It's no fun but I can get through this 'cause I know how to stay well."

I sure hope this helps you and your family Anne. My heart just breaks knowing a little bit about your pain. But please know that children are way stronger than they look. They help move our world towards enlightenment every day. That is one of my truths.

We aren't having an easy time with our extended family regarding our MCS. We've tried every angle of communication: direct, gentle, educational, emotional, pointed, alagorical. And though the family is now extremely educated about chemicals and their ability to harm the chemically injured...that doesn't stop each member from using what they are attached to. It is amazing how connected we become to our products. As if this scent defines me, this clean bathroom says something about me.

We've stayed firm that we need to not participate with family events if we are going to get sick while playing along. We learned the hard way to take this stand as in the past, when we took the chemical hit, the price was too high in lost health. We are very, very grateful for what changes each person feels that they can make, but one product switch doesn't neutralize the seven other products that can be on that person's body. So it is eleven years later and we are still not safe near any of our family members. This breaks our hearts. We miss our family.

My husband's uncle died this past summer and we were only able to attend the graveside service. And even then, only while paying attention to stand downwind of everybody. Time passes and this illness heals at its own pace. Whattaya gonna do? People are as people are.

So we use the phone a great deal. It is the only way that we can have relationships with this group of fiesty independant people.

Hi, Debra. I love your newsletter!

I am someone who recycles diligently. I'm fortunate, in that I live in a municipality (Montgomery County, MD) that takes a good range of items for recycling: Plastic, metal (including scrap metal,) comingled (ie, glass, plastic, and tin/aluminum cans and foil,) paper, yard waste...Some of it you have to drop off at the transfer center yourself, but to me, it is worth the extra effort to know I'm doing my part to lighten my footprint.

Where I'm getting resistance is from my SO. He's been with me for 10 years, and I have had a bin system for the different recyclables for as long. For some reason, he REFUSES to respect the fact that I'd like ours to be a green home, and he will do things like put stuff in the trash, regardless of whether it is salvageable/recyclable, put recyclables in the wrong bins (ie, cans in with the textiles,) etc. When I question him about it and ask him why he does not want to recycle, he gets an attitude and claims that he "can't keep up with what you're doing. I don't know what goes where."

Debra, this is pure bunk! He KNOWS how my bins are set up. I've even offered to put signs on them to clarify what goes where, but he declined.

This saddens me, because I feel like he disrespects me AND the planet.

Comments?

I am one of the billions of chronic pain patients and each of us face the same thing day after day. How do we get our families & significant others to see that we are in excruciating pain 24/7? A lot of those who suffer this type of pain do not have "visual symptoms" but never the less we are in pain.

We try to hide our pain from our families & significant others so they will not be uncomfortable being around us BUT that does not mean we are not suffering moment to moment. As chronic pain patients we make commitments and try to attend family and/or social functions BUT there are times we just cannot do it and we need to stay home which leads to wagging tongues -- we are called insensitive, pill addicts, attention seekers when in reality we just hurt too bad to go to whatever function we have been asked to participate in.

With the holidays coming it is a very hard time of year for us. There are family dinners and a lot of social functions that we may have to miss because of our pain. This causes us mental stress because we know that there are those who want us to celebrate but we just can't do it.

All we want is the validation of our families and loved ones - not recrimination!!! Stress makes our pain increase and that along with the guilt we feel makes the holidays miserable for us.

Isn't there a way that all involved can be happy? I host a chronic pain chats 4 times a week and this time of year I hear so many times that families turn their backs on us because there are times we just cannot attend a function BUT we should not be made to feel such stress and disbelief from those who we love.